why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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