Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
