so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize