dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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