Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
