I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
