Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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