i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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