Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
