loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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