my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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