GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
