You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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