The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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