a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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