Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
