he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize