when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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