I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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