3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
