Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize