he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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