Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
