Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
