did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
