i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
