I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this just has baby written all over it
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
