Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
What drink are we having for lunch?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
