Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
