your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
