I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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