Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
