I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
