if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
