some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
