I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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