Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
