i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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