his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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