You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
