If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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