I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
