Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
