Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize