Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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