dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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