someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
