She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
