Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
