My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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