i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It was like giving head to a cactus.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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