Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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