She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
