I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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