god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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