Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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