he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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