so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
