It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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