Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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