Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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